There used to be establishments called drive-in theaters. You could hop in your car, pull into a space in front of a gigantic screen, attach a speaker-gizmo to your window and watch about three hours of movies---a warm-up B-movie, a featured presentation and another exploitation-style B-movie. The drive-in era of the 60s, 70s, and 80s is a bygone era.

"The Night Watchmen" is an 80s horror comedy for the 21st Century. Recently released on platforms such as Amazon Prime, Google Play, and iTunes after two years on the festival circuit, "The Night Watchmen" follows the long-night misadventure of four hapless night watchmen and a female office staffer in their fight against vampire clowns.

The Watchmen find trouble

The trouble started in the movie with the death of Blimpo the Clown, and his fellow clowns, in Romania---vampire country. Somehow the clown bodies got shipped not to the proper medical facility in Baltimore, but to the office where ex-Marine Ken; "the worse Black ever" Jiggets; a young rocker-turned-watchman Justin, and man-of-mystery Luca, worked as security guards. As expected, a clown vampire escaped from his coffin and mayhem ensued.

The leader of the watchmen, the by-the-book Ken, had a thing for Karen, who happened to be working late that night with her friend Penny. Also in this stew of clueless characters were office fool Barney and the creepy, bespectacled boss-man Randall.

As the watchmen figured that things were going south quicker than a rabbit on crack, the clock turned to kick-hind-pots and stake-through-the-heart time.

Meeting the Watchmen

Ken was played by Annapolis, Maryland based actor Ken Arnold, who brought a mixture of authority and vulnerability to his role. Arnold played shortstop for the minor league Huntington Cubs, a Chicago Cubs farm team, in the early 90s.

His best friend was played with panache by Kevin Jiggetts, a real-life Marine who survived a terrorist attack in Beirut, Lebanon in 1983. DeLuca brought a quiet air of the sinister to his role as Luca. His role was very different from the comic character he played in "On the Wing."

Ken's potential squeeze, Karen who had run the Baltimore Marathon---twice, was played by Kara Luiz; running is always a good skill to have in a horror movie.

Max Gray Wilbur brought a green-rookieness to his role as new watchman Justin. Dan Franko brought a good kookiness and some awkward hoofing to Barney. Randall was plain annoying as played by James Remar (who played Alex in the classic film "The Warriors"), and Diona Reasonover went from fugly to dangerous as Penny. The story was by DeLuca and Arnold.

Kevin Kerrigan's score made me rock like it was 1987. High-octane doesn't begin to describe these songs, which helped punctuate all the gunshots, stabbing and ultra-violence that was happening on screen.

So let's count up all the particulars: "The Night Watchmen" has vampires that fart when they die; six breasts; three racial jokes; two crotch kicks; a hero that can't shoot straight; a "how do you kill a vampire" gag, and geysers of blood. Put it this way, in this film you've got blood, you've got breasts, you've got beasts. Will the Reviewer says rent it today.
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