Dear President trump. Here is my application for a White House job. My first qualification is that I will be ready to be fired on day one, that's the truth. No hard feelings.

I will not sign a non-disclosure deal though. I need your love and people who love do not force people like me to sign anything. Got that? Good, let me continue.

Three major pluses are that I am old, white and male. I fit the Trump profile. I can blow people like Mooch and Kelly out of the water.


I did vote for Hillary in the general but I voted for Bernie in the primary.

I might as well be honest. I am pretty much a Democrat with maybe a Dick Gregory vote slipped in one year. But you were a Democrat once.

I am 82 and that is older than you but I won't boast about it.

I am also a New Yorker. Manhattan is my home. I was born and raised here. But my real reason for applying has little to do with these qualifications.


You need someone who will react honestly to your various actions. You are surrounded by fearful toadies and grasping wannabes.

I don't want anything but a bed. Did I mention that I do not drive and so will need to live where I am working? Just saying.


An example of honesty would be, when you mention Gorsuch, I will not even speak. I will regurgitate.

When you don't tweet for ten hours or more, I will come around and aggravate you so that you don't lose your edge. Nobody else will do that. They are all afraid of you. I am not afraid in the least. I have had years of practice.

When I worked at UNICEF, I used to look out the window toward a hideous skyscraper that marred my view of the East Side.

It was one of yours.

I have not the least fear of calling you a ruinous force in a real estate industry who has helped wreck my city. That is why I want to work for you. I want to keep you there where you cannot do more to wreck Manhattan.


I don't think I am making a very good case.

Let me try a different tack. You don't like to be upstaged.

Let me assure that I will. try to upstage you at every opportunity. I am so nondescript that you will never have to make me famous by tweeting things about Sorry Steve. Actually, you might learn from me and steal my stuff. I give great advice. For example, what should you say to Franklin Graham? Tell him to shut up. Or tell Devin Nunes to stop making you look like a fool.

It's just possible that I could advance far enough on the job to qualify as a distraction. The news would be filled speculation about a complete nonentity. That could buy you some time. I am told that Mueller is breathing down your neck.

Is Kelly is on the way out? If so, I feel my star rising, I am ready to serve my country. Hire me, sir!