You have already seen the signs, Fluffy has been having that evil glint in his eye. You think your Cat is trying to Kill you. You know your days are numbered. But there are ways to turn your cat sweet. Now enjoy this piece of satire.

Knowing is only half the battle. What do you do now? Things aren't as bad as they seem. Here are ideas you can use to Protect your life.

Step one is a distraction. Give your cat something else to think about it. Make sure they have a good size perch near a large window. An easy way to do that is to extend the existing window frame with a wider ledge at the bottom in order to allow for a more comfortable perch.

This can be achieved easily by adding a wide piece of wood to the existing wood frame or by purchasing one of the many padded perches available at pet stores.

Cat TV

Installing a bird, or squirrel feeder outside of the window will improve your cats viewing pleasure. By placing this outside of the window where you’ve created their perch, you’ve created an instant “Cat TV” with hours of viewing pleasure.

Cats like hiding places. And for whatever reason cats like to be very high off the ground, and this could be easily achieved. Cat trees or kitty condos are available at most pet stores and online, but I found that simply removing all of the items from the top of my armoire and wall unit and not complaining when the cat climbs up there achieves the same goal.

Don’t forget about the old standbys. Catnip toys, ribbons, strings, and other play items are essential. It’s important that your cat has something to hunt, other than yourself. Variety is the key, and remember that catnip does become stale over time so those toys may need to be replaced every so often.

Bribery is, of course, one of the easiest ways to keep your cat happy.

Cat treats are absolutely essential in your “Keep Your Cat From Killing You” arsenal.

Homemade cat treats

While many people don’t like the idea of store-bought, overly processed cat treats, there are recipes available to create your own and tailor them to the specific needs of your cat.

Lastly, and most importantly, is your cats' comfort.

Cats do not like to have a dirty litter box and like to have a full bowl of food at all times. Without these two things, it doesn’t matter what else you do, you will still be targeted for death.

But all is not lost, allowing a few adjustments to your routine your cats will train you to be the kind of person they want you to be. Living up to their expectations will save your life. Good luck!