Let’s face it, the great citizens of America, or at least the ones sensible enough to vote for someone without hair plugs, wake up each day knowing that our government is in the hands of a person who participated in a WWE tables and ladders wrestling match. Now, you could let this unfortunate fact keep you all disgruntled like Sean Spicer’s face after taking questions from fake news organizations, or you could follow the very proud tradition of Rhode Island lawmakers and keep file cabinets full of booze on hand to turn that frown upside down.


Yesterday, in a radio interview Rhode Island freshman State Rep. Moira Walsh revealed how shocked she was at the amount of drinking that goes on at the State House. Walsh said lawmakers had “file cabinets full of booze” and added, “You cannot operate a motor vehicle when you've had two beers, but you can make laws that affect people's lives forever when you're half in the bag?"

Walsh cited how recently lawmakers took shots on the floor of the House of Representatives to celebrate Dominican Republic Independence Day as evidence of the proliferation of booze at the capitol. I did not even know when Dominican Republic Independence Day was, but now I know shots are involved I will never forget again.

The right idea

I think the newly minted legislator is looking at the situation all wrong personally. Last time I checked according to U.S. News and World Reports, Rhode Island’s national ranking in healthcare was seventh, third in crime and corrections (low incarceration rate and violent crime rate), and a respectable eighteenth ranking (for the state’s size) among state economies.

Walsh should not be ashamed of her colleagues’ drinking habits but should instead export this obviously genius policy to other state legislatures and the U.S. Congress.

Surely, there are more than enough lawmakers who could use a stiff drink to get through their daily Twitter briefings from the president, and considering most of the most important posts throughout the government have not been occupied yet, filling up the empty space in Filing Cabinets with alcohol is great way to cut down on government waste and a terrific way to welcome newly hired bureaucrats.

In fact, members of the Senate Intelligence Committee could take shots of vodka every time a member of Trump’s business/campaign/administration team misremembers contacting a member of the Russian government during investigations into election interference to make sure the proceedings run smoothly and remain jovial as long as the vodka consumed is Trump’s brand.

Filing cabinets full of alcohol could be the new rallying cry of the Trump opposition because with Jeff Sessions as Attorney General marijuana policy is likely to reverse course, and alcohol may be only thing keeping the masses from outright revolt. Not to mention, empty alcohol bottles easily convert into molotov cocktails. God bless Rhode Island!