November has finally arrived which means Thanksgiving is just a few weeks away. This unique, American holiday is chock-full of annual traditions -- including a lavish turkey dinner, a terrible Detroit Lions game, and awkward family discussions that usually end with your uncle blurting out something like, “All I’m saying is that there seems to be a lot more crime in black neighborhoods.” (This year will be especially tense as nearly every conversation topic from pizza to football has been politicized, leaving yams as the one safe discussion subject -- and I’m sure that between now and Thanksgiving, Trump will find a way to associate the yam with Sharia law.)
Thanksgiving is reliable
Despite the family turmoil, Thanksgiving is still the best holiday, if for no other reason than its annual consistency.
Every year Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday, setting up the opportunity for a much deserved four-day weekend. (Except for those working retail who will endure a four-day marathon of suffering.)
Other holidays should follow Thanksgiving’s lead. The day a holiday lands on determines how much we, as a society, can enjoy that holiday. For instance, Halloween fell on a Tuesday this year, which should be illegal. No one wants to dress up like a Storm Trooper mid-week, and no parents want to traverse neighborhood after neighborhood with their kids when they have to be back at the office in seven hours.
Why can’t we celebrate Halloween on the last Saturday of October? Halloween is a Celtic institution from thousands of years ago; do we still have to respect their tradition?
Is there a fear that the massive population of Celts will revolt? Does anyone even know a Celtic person? What the hell is a Celtic person?
All holidays are subject to change
And why stop at Halloween? Why can’t Christmas always be on a Friday? It is well known that Jesus loved three-day-weekends. And instead of Columbus day, we should have a second Labor Day called, “Labor Day Two: The Laboring.” Columbus was a terrible human being responsible for countless atrocities against the people who actually discovered the Americas.
We can’t undo these heinous acts, but we can give the Working Man an extra day off to shop for discount mattresses.
Americans are famously overworked and underpaid, and unlike our European counterparts, we don’t enjoy nearly as many paid days off or company perks. (The average French lunch is roughly seven hours long and includes a free tandem bike riding workshop and a bread making seminar.) At the very least, we deserve to have our holidays work for us.
We need to end this yearly lottery where we end up having to spend our favorite holiday on a crappy weekday. Holidays shouldn’t be stressful; they should be a time for relaxing, indulging, and calling your grandpa a homophobe while he accuses you of being an ISIS sympathizer. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
