Politico is saying that losing a presidential election is like being dumped, which is idiotic because a person who has been dumped from a relationship has been rejected by one person while the loser in a presidential election was rejected by the whole country. With this is mind, we offer some New Year’s resolutions for Hillary Clinton.
First, divorce Bill finally. You just stuck by him because he proved to be politically useful. Clearly, that is no longer a consideration. The man has treated you shabbily for decades, and it is now time to cut him loose, take him to court, and to the cleaners.
Next, you need to beg for forgiveness. You have harmed a lot of people in your climb up the greasy pole, so this resolution may take years to fulfill. You can start with Kathy Shelton, the 12-year old rape victim you slimed in the mid-1970s. You might also bend the knee to Donald Trump. He is going to have the power of pardons very soon now.
Then, find some sort of cause you can get behind that is not going to benefit you politically or financially. We all know that the Clinton Foundation was essentially a money laundering scam. You once pretended to be in favor of educational opportunities for disadvantaged children. Maybe you can start supporting that cause for real.
And then, try to talk Chelsea out of pursuing a political career.
It has brought nothing but ruin for you and if, as one suspects, you love your daughter you will not want her to have the same fate befall her. Suggest she go into real estate development. Chelsea is good friends with Ivanka Trump, after all.
Finally, you need to find some way to have peace before you are called to the judgment from which there is no appeal.
Some people find religion. Others prefer a kind of new age philosophy that emphasizes self-actualization. The goal is now not to be on your death bed tormented by regrets and anger. It is too late to live a life that is filled with good works. But at least you can go to the afterlife having learned your lesson. That has to count for something.
