Dealing with infertility issues is difficult on so many levels, physical and emotional. The frustration and emotional pain, and the fact that you are internalizing makes it worse. The questions about having children spring up often right after marriage or committed relationship." When are you going to have kids?" After a few years, "isn't about time you add to the family?" I had issues with infertility for 17 years of my marriage. It was an emotionally draining and painful time. I startedto hear the question, "when are you going to start having kids?" when I was first married at age 19, I already knew there was a possibility I would have a difficult time getting pregnant (I had a ruptured Appendix at age 11 that affected my ovaries.) My husband and I decided the time was right to try, and though we had a few times that I got my hopes up, we were never successful.

I really had no one to talk to as my friends were getting pregnant with shocking ease, I felt like I was a failure; that I couldn't do what women were supposed to do. I grieved every month, and cried whenever one of my friends told me they were pregnant. I would unconsciously pull away from my friends during their pregnancies.

Then came the denial

After a few years of not being able to get pregnant on my own, I decided that I would never get pregnant. I actually told my husband he should leave me, and find someone that could give him a family.

He and I went through a period of time where we convinced ourselves we didn't want to have kids. When people would ask when we were having kids, we told them we didn't want any. We told ourselves that all the time.

Why haven't you had a work up?

When I was 31 years old I was working at a clinic, and I was having bloating and side pain that just kept getting worse. I had a CT scan that showed a large serous tumor in my right ovary, I had to have my right ovary removed.

After going through surgery, on my last visit my OB/GYN asked me why I had never had an infertility work up? I just said I just assumed I could not get pregnant. I went home and that phrase' infertility work up' would not leave my mind and for two months that is all I thought about. Finally, I told my husband I was going to make an appointment and start the process. Many painful tests later, I was on Clomid to stimulate ovulation, Six months later other than being in pain almost all the time, I had not been successful.

For the next threemonths, I had my Clomid dosage upped and started doing regular ultrasounds totime intrauterine inseminations. These were not successful either. During this very hormonal, emotional time I got lots of advice, that was meant to be helpfulbut was actually painful.

  • You should adopt. (everyone seems to know someone that got pregnant after starting adoption)
  • Relax stop thinking about it.
  • Just do IVF (so expensive)
  • Who's fault is it? (ouch)
  • There are worse things that can happen
  • It will happen on its own (um no it won't)

A miracle.

After having a laparoscopy failure, that also perforated my bowel and led to emergency surgery and a near death experience, and being told by an infertility specialist that I would never get pregnant, I got pregnant five months after my surgery.

It was a miracle! An amazing miracle. My one and only baby was born two weeks before I turned 36.

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