As much as I’d like to go on about the beautiful truth of American taxes and our tax returns, it’s not like it’s smart to break any age-old traditions surrounding them. For instance, not reporting your taxes is not a smart move unless you’re a big Al Capone fan and dying to re-walk in his tax evading footsteps right into the slammer. Or, if you’re running for President of the United States, it’s not wise to break the tradition every other candidate followed and avoid releasing those tax documents to the public.

I mean, honestly, it’s not like by releasing that tax information is going to cause you to expect some sort of Spanish Inquisition.

After all, if one thing is certain about life, it’s taxes. Wait, I meant to say if two things are certain about life, it’s death and taxes. Hold on, that’s not right. It’s really three things that are certain about this life I wanted to mention—taxes, death, and that one really rich guy candidate won’t be showing you voters his taxes. And unfortunately, at no point will the Pythons be bursting through your door in red robes to make any of this ongoing nightmare election humorous, or even tolerable.


Trump’s not showing his, claims the Democrats

While Hillary Clinton is busy screaming out a double entendre at Trump, “I showed you mine, now you show me yours” the Democrats are lining up behind their candidate just like kids behind the schoolyard bully keen on the reciprocation of a free show.

The Democrats’ main concern is that voters do not seem to understand the importance of the fact Clinton put up eight years of her taxes while Trump put up an excuse not even the IRS can follow.

Trump insists he’s being audited and cannot show the documents until the audit is done, which might conveniently not happen before election day. Yet, the IRS countered there is no reason he cannot make them public at any time, even during the audit. Dang, it sure sucks when you try to lie about your taxes and the IRS catches you, doesn’t it? Just ask Al Capone’s ghost.

Trump uses Romney as an excuse

So, Trump’s second excuse came with using Mitt Romney’s release as another reason to hide. Romney balked for months and finally released his taxes right before the 2012 election, The 14.1 percent Romney pays in taxes because of his wealth put him in a category far away from what the average American citizen actually pays in taxes. Apparently this gives Trump an excuse to hide from the schoolyard bully because, according to him, the media blasted Romney after this. And I’ve got a good guess to make here: Trump’s far richer than Romney.

The Clintons don’t even top Romney—they paid about 31.7 percent in taxes for the years they demonstrated, with about eleven percent of their total income going to charity.

I’m not saying they’re saints but they’re sinners that released their tax returns, at the very least.

Trump needs to prove he has nothing to hide

The point is, if Trump’s got nothing to hide, then why is he not showing all of it? After all, if he’s a successful businessman and really wants what’s best for this country, and has made himself an example, shouldn’t his taxes prove that? What the Democrats and many already insist is that Trump’s international dealings tied him up with foreign entities, leading to the creation of jobs outside of the U.S. and relationships with foreign governments.

I mean, if there’s no Spanish Inquisition to expect here with the release of Trump’s taxes, then what is there to be afraid of?

Maybe he’s afraid he’ll look dumb because he bought one too many dead parrots in his lifetime he couldn’t return. Or maybe he’s embarrassed he wasn’t a good enough salesman to resell them. I guess people just didn’t believe him when he said the parrots were just resting, kind of like they aren’t believing him about why he’s hiding his taxes.

After all, when a bird’s gone to meet its maker, it’s met one of those life certainties I mentioned at the start, but when the other two are coming, I have no clue.

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