We all love our Cats, and our cats love us. Or do they? Warning! They might actually be trying to kill you.

For the most part, cats are lovely creatures, many are cuddly, soft fluffy babies who think the world of you. They do the cutest things, we take pictures and post them online for everybody to see. That’s when we realize, we’ve been marked for Certain Death.

Those cute things that your cat does might not be the cute thing you think it is. In many cases, they are simply a preliminary step towards the ultimate goal. Your demise.

Your cat may want you dead

At this point, you’re probably thinking I’m completely insane, but this is a well-documented issue. There is even a book written about cats trying to kill people.


From kitty comics creator The Oatmeal, "How To Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting To Kill You", describes this phenomenon. For instance, if your cat is "kneading the dough" on you, it is not actually a sign of affection. They are actually testing for weaknesses in your internal organs so they know where to attack.

Cats are hunters. If they were born feral, or in an indoor-outdoor environment they will have particularly strong hunting skills. They will always be on the lookout for a good target, practicing the perfect attack.


With ninja-like skills, their attack will seem to come out of nowhere.

So your cat likes to sleep with you. You think that they’re just coming for warmth, don’t you? This may not actually be the case. That affectionate pat on the face while you’re sleeping, is not a loving gesture, it is an attempt to suffocate you to death.

Oh, and that business of always walking in front of you? No, that is not them trying to lead you to somewhere that they want you to go, like some cat behaviorists would like you to think. It is them trying to find the best spot to stop at the last minute so you trip and fall down, preferably on stairs.

Recently I’ve noticed an odd behavior with my youngest male cat. He had begun to play with his food on the floor.


The food is dry and round so it rolls rather well. I thought he was just having fun. I was wrong.

It wasn’t until I had accidentally stepped on one and nearly fell because it didn’t give way beneath me and almost took my foot out from under me, that I realized it was an attempt to kill me. I know this for a fact because when I looked at him, the intense look in his eyes mysteriously disappeared in a split second and he looked overly innocent. He then started looking at something else across the room in a very suspiciously innocent manner. I was not fooled.

There is a defense

There is, however, one way I’ve found to guarantee the safety and longevity of your life. Some cat treats seem to have an almost narcotic-like effect on cats. I have learned to keep a bag of treats in the kitchen and the living room, so if cornered, I can use them as a distraction. I call it my "Defence Against The Mob", or my "Insurance Against Certain Death". We almost ran out once, it was a close run thing but we survived and so can you.

Good luck!