Have you been invited to a Finals watch party later this week, only to realize that after accepting the invitation, you don't even know who's playing!? More frighteningly, you're not 100 percent which sport the finals is? No worries my friend, this article is for you.
This article is for those who watch basketball like I attend church -- Once A Year! Like me at church, you might think to yourself, man it has been a while. I don't want to seem out of place here. Sure, I do feel out of place here but I don't want them to know that. Maybe if I throw some fancy lingo out there people will think I know what I'm doing.
Now, whether you're at church over Easter or you're watching your first game of the season on Thursday, you're not going to be able to fake your way out of it with some obscure King James reference you 'Googled' just before you arrived. So, you're gonna need some legit information.
Warriors or Cavs?
Before we get to that, you're gonna need to figure out who you're rooting for. Now, since you're just trying to make people think you know about basketball, you don't want to draw too much attention to yourself. You wanna fly under the radar, only making astute observations when the time is right. Therefore, you can't play the party villain and root against the party favorite. As much fun as that is, you'll get challenged and based on the fact that you still call a basket a "goal", you will get eaten alive.
For this reason alone, you're gonna have to play it coy for the first quarter or so to gauge the room and once you feel you have a read on the majority favorite, you've found your team for the evening. Now since you're not sure which team you're going to be rooting for, it'd behoove you to study up on both teams.
The favorites
Let's start with the odds on favorite Warriors. Just when you thought they couldn't get any better after winning a championship and then breaking the regular season wins record consecutively, they go out and sign former MVP Kevin Durant during the offseason. With the acquisition of Durant, the Warriors now have 39 all-stars on their roster.
Okay -- maybe not 39 but it certainly feels that way sometimes. After another strong showing during the regular season, the Warriors rolled through the western conference amassing a record of 12-0 on their way to the finals. Now let's go over some Warriors jibber jabber by practicing some phrases for that watch party you're hesitantly attending.
"Man, I can't believe Durant left OKC to chase a ring -- MJ wouldn't have done that" It's important that you end this phrase with MJ wouldn't have done that, as it will instantly give you credibility, while also preventing anyone from arguing your point, since arguments against MJ being the greatest of all time are not allowed.
This one is a little riskier but if it's well timed, I think it will go a long way towards establishing your credibility.
When Curry goes into microwave mode and starts heating up quick, throw out a, "man, he's gonna need a new mouth guard after this run," followed by some elbow nudges and maybe a wink. Scratch that, don't wink. Just do the elbow nudges, but only like one -- and ironically. Trust me, the true fans you're surrounded by will get it.
Now I don't want to overwhelm you with information so we'll do one more Warrior's phrase. When Iguadola gets the ball you gotta talk about the block. Honestly, you can probably just say "the block" and that should set off a lightbulb in everyone else's brain and then they'll do most of the heavy lifting, sharing stories of what they thought when it happened last year.
Like when Greg swears that he saw it coming the whole time and it's like shut up Greg, nobody saw it coming, that's what made it so awesome. Friggin Greg.
The champs
Moving on to the defending Champs. While the Warriors may have 39 all-stars on the roster, the Cavs have LeBron James. After their improbable 3-1 comeback last year, it would be irresponsible to count out the Cavs, especially after adding veterans Deron Williams and Kyle Korver. If LeBron James, Kevin Love and a roster full of stud 'vetties' aren't enough to sway you on the Cavs, look no further than Kyrie "Uncle Drew" Irving.
After hitting a game 7 dagger last year in the final seconds, Irving cemented himself as a Cleveland legend.
Unfortunately, Irving found himself in an awkward position earlier this season when he admitted he believes the earth is flat. You may say this is a direct reflection of how poor our education system can be but I say this is exactly the wildcard the Cleveland Cavaliers might need to challenge the Warriors and win their second title in as many years.
There you have it folks. If you're going to a watch party and you don't want to seem like a total dope, follow these steps and soon enough you'll have everyone thinking "Man, Ted isn't just a weird IT nerd -- he's a super cool sports guy! Go Ted!"
