Remember that time when you were 4 years old and you were placed in front of a plate of broccoli and told to eat it because it was good for you? Well, as a Democrat, 2016 is the plate and #Hillary Clinton is the broccoli. You ate it then and you must do it now — you must vote for Hillary. That pretty much is the theme of the Hillary Clinton 2016 campaign, but in this case, unlike that broccoli, voting for Hillary could leave a bad taste in your mouth for four to eight years, but you have to do it. As you vote, imagine that scientists have discovered a YUGE meteor headed to Earth and it can’t be stopped. It will be an extinction life event for the planet and the meteor will strike on January 19, 2017.
A woman voter?
If you’re a young, unmarried woman considering voting for Trump and earning what former Secretary of State Madeline Albright called “that special place in hell,” imagine that, if elected, Donald Trump will invoke the English right of Noblemen known as the jus primae noctis, a Latin phrase translating to "right of the first night," a right that allows him to have sex with peasant women on their wedding night. And if Donald Trump is elected, of course, all women that earn less than $10 million a year will be considered peasants.
Bienvenue au Canada.
As you enter your local polling place, bring a suitcase, your plane ticket to Montreal, your passport and a Canadian application for citizenship. Please allow enough time to vote for Hillary and still arrive at the airport two hours before your flight.
A swing state voter?
If you’re in Colorado, a swing state, smoke lots of weed on the night of November 7, pin a picture of Hillary on your wall and then stare at it long enough until you see the image of Elizabeth Warren.
Just eat the ice cream.
Immediately after voting for Hillary, drive to Vermont with the other 12,029,698 people who voted for Bernie, and go to a large field just north of Burlington where you will be given a Bernie Sanders shroud and one 16-ounce cup of a very special ice cream prepared by Ben & Jerry called “Clintoncide Chocolate Eternity.”
The night before Election Day, you have a dream, a premonition really, that allows you to vote for Hillary. In the dream, you see Hillary being sworn in on the steps of the capitol; she moves to the podium and begins her inaugural address: “Mr. Vice President, Mr. Chief Justice and fellow citizens, I address you now as president but I must finally tell the truth. You think I am Hillary Clinton, the woman who lied about my emails, lied about coming under fire in Bosnia and well, frankly, there are so many lies, I don’t remember them all.” In your dream Hillary then pulls off a wig and with a cloth wipes off her makeup as she continues, “You see, I am not Hillary Rodham Clinton, the daughter of Hugh and Dorothy Rodham and wife of Bill Clinton. No, I am not, I’m Joe Biden, the reckless vice president who has finally gotten rid of Hillary and taken her place.
Happy days are here again.
Congratulations. See, voting for Hillary wasn’t that hard after all. It’s just a matter, as it always is when considering voting for someone named Clinton, of “getting your mind right.” #Election 2016 #Democratic Party